Find Me In the Shallows
by MidnightRain6593
Summary: She's supposed to be happy about being back…so why didn't it seem that way?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries nor am I making any profit from this. Characters, etc. all belong to their respective owners.**

**A/N: I know, I know. I've got zero business starting yet another story, but I just can't help myself.**

**But, before I proceed I do want to preface this entire fic with a big TRIGGER WARNING. In later chapters, this fic will be involving heavy subject matter such as depression and suicide. I'm very upfront about this because I don't want to possibly trigger someone and/or unnecessarily upset anyone, so please heed this warning.**

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><p>She used to keep track of the days on a little notepad so that she'd know what day it was back home, thinking it'd help her maintain some sanity. She stops keeping track after Christmas.<p>

Because, really, what's the point?

She runs mostly on autopilot. She sleeps, occasionally remembers to eat, does a supermarket run here and there when the cupboards are bare.

She reads more than anything else. It's a great way to fantasize about being _anywhere _else. She quickly devours _The Call of the Wild, _glides through _Wuthering Heights, _finds basically anything written by Shakespeare.

Either way, it doesn't really matter because she's officially in hell. A hell not originally meant for her, but still hell nevertheless.

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><p>"So," Damon says to Liv. "Let's talk about you getting me to 1994 again so that we can finally get Bonnie back."<p>

"No," Liv replies, shaking her head and moving around Damon. "Bonnie may not have known when to back out, but I sure as hell do. You're on your own. All of you."

"Let me clarify this," Damon says, zipping in front of Liv before she could walk out on him. "You're going to help me. Because, if you don't? I'm going to start ripping some body parts off. Maybe I'll even go pay a visit to your dear twinsie.

Liv doesn't respond, but Damon's sure she got the message.

"Now, let's start brainstorming and get creative," Damon says, rubbing his hands together.

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><p>She's lying on the living room floor, making her way through Sylvia Plath's <em>The Bell Jar. <em>The Salvatores owned an original first edition copy with the pseudonym of Victoria Lucas and all. Well, actually, every book they own was a first edition.

She had read _The Bell Jar _once before when she got ambitious and signed up for a twentieth century American literature course her freshman year at Whitmore. Honestly, she had _hated _the book then. Sure, she had understood the literary value, but frankly, it had been too dark for her tastes and she had so much difficulty making sense of it all.

She's actually enjoying it the second time around, though. She thinks maybe it's because she finally gets it, mental breakdown and all.

"You know, you're looking pretty pathetic down there," Damon says.

She pulls the book away from her line of vision and turns her head to see Damon standing behind the couch and looking down at her, leather jacket, half-smirk, and all.

"Huh," she says emotionlessly. "Hallucinations. That's a new one." She returns to her book.

Okay, so he hadn't been expecting that sort of welcome.

"Bonnie, I'm real."

"Yeah, sure you are," she replies, still not looking away from her book.

With a frustrated sigh, he walks around the couch to her and reaches down to pluck the novel out of her hands. Then, he grabs her by the shoulders and forcibly lifts her up until she's standing.

He frowns when he fully takes in her appearance. She's lost a lot of weight and looked so tiny and vulnerable.

"Huh," Bonnie says, looking right back at him. "Maybe you are real, after all."

"Liv will be pulling us out of her soon," he explains to her.

"Well, mind if I take this with me?" Bonnie asks, taking the novel back from him. "I was just getting to the really dramatic part where she starts trying to kill herself."

Damon can't help but gawk at her slightly. He thought she'd be thrilled to see him and finally get out of here…not so complacent and blasé.

"Why aren't you happier about finally getting out?" he asks her.

"Last time didn't go so well, so…" she shrugs.

"Well, this time will, so let's go," he motions towards the door.

They make their way together through the words back to where he had ended up when Liv sent him back this time.

Bonnie vaguely thinks about asking just how this is even possible because it really shouldn't have been. She doesn't, though. She's not sure she really cares enough to ask.

They're soon enveloped in a bright light and they're back in present day Mystical Falls, and exhausted and bleeding Liv looking back at them.

"Hmm," Bonnie hums, looking around and tapping her fingers on the hardcover of the book she held in her hands.

Okay, still not quite the reaction he's looking for. She should be smiling at him, maybe even hugging him, asking about everyone else and wanting to see them.

She's supposed to be happy about being back…so why didn't it seem that way?

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><p><strong>AN: Short chapter, I know, but this is just to lay out the groundwork.**

**Thanks for reading and, as always, reviews are very much appreciated.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries nor am I making any profit from this. Characters, etc. all belong to their respective owners.**

**A/N: A big thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, etc. last chapter! Admittedly, I've been a bit terrified of posting a story like this since it will be dealing with heavy subject matter throughout, but all the comments and encouragements I've received have helped me to feel a lot better about posting this, so a big thank you for that!**

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><p>"Come on," Damon says, "Let's head to the boardinghouse."<p>

"How? It's a magic-free zone," Bonnie reminds him. "Unless, y'know, you actually have a death wish or something."

That comment actually comes as somewhat of a relief to him. At least there's still something of her old self in there.

"Yeah…about that. Kai kind of sucked up all the magic that was keeping the barrier up, so…"

"Oh."

She thinks about asking where Kai is now. Because the only thing she's sure of now is that the next time she sees him, she's going to kill him. She even has his pocket knife stashed in her jeans for the occasion and everything.

She silently follows Damon back to the Salvatore boardinghouse.

"Where have you been, Damon?" Elena asks when they enter, coming to meet them in the foyer. "You didn't say any—" she stops dead in her tracks at the sight of Bonnie.

"Bonnie?" Elena whispers as if she hardly dares to believe it. Wh…how?" she asks, but as if she decides it suddenly doesn't matter, she embraces Bonnie tightly.

Bonnie stiffens slightly in her arms, but she forces herself to give Elena an awkward pat or two on the back. She should be happy to see her best friend…especially since she was so sure she'd never see anyone else again.

Bonnie can't help but wonder if maybe she's just broken.

"I'm so glad you're back," Elena tells her.

Bonnie just gives her a small smile, but doesn't say anything. Instead, she starts tapping her fingers against the book she's holding like she did earlier when Liv had first brought her back.

"I'm going to go home," Bonnie says suddenly, breaking the awkward silence.

"Oh," Elena says in a mixture of surprise and confusion. She thought that maybe Bonnie would want to stay here and catch up and enjoy being back with everyone. "Okay, well, I'll go with you."

"No," Bonnie says flatly. "I'm just going to sleep, so…"

"Well, at least let me drive you there," Elena says, faltering a little bit. "It's all the way across town."

Bonnie silently nods and follows Elena out the front door.

She ignores the holes that Damon's icy eyes are boring into her back.

Elena fills the drive with mindless chatter, filling Bonnie in on everything she's missed.

Elena has declared pre-med and conquered a summer-long drug problem by erasing her memories of Damon. She's not sure whether she should get back with Damon or not, but she's pretty sure she has feeling for him.

Elena tells her about how Jeremy's been such a wreck. He's spent the past several months boozing it up and having meaningless sex.

"But now that you're back, everything will be okay," Elena assures her, imploring Bonnie to look over what she's sure Elena views as 'minor setbacks.'

Elena also tells her about how Stefan went MIA, but is now back in action and is so happy to have his brother back.

"Caroline also has some personal problems that she'll have to tell you about herself, but she'll be so happy you're back," Elena says with a big smile.

Bonnie doesn't really care about anything Elena's saying, though. She just doesn't.

When Elena rolls up to Bonnie's house, she asks, "Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you? At least for a little while?"

"Like I said," Bonnie replies with a shrug. "I'm just going to sleep, so what'd be the point?"

Without waiting for Elena's response, she gets out of the car, finds the spare key she kept under a long-dead potted plant and enters her home.

She's surprised to find the house clean and free of dust. She wonders who's doing that was. At least it saved her the energy of having to do it herself.

The more she thinks about it, it becomes too ironic. When trapped alone in 1994, she had craves for contact with any of her friends. But when she's finally back and with Elena? She can't wait to be alone again.

Here's the real kicker about it all, though: Now that she finds herself alone again, she actually wishes for some company.

She really must be broken.

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><p>"Does Bonnie seem a bit…off to you?" Elena asks Damon when she returns to the boardinghouse from dropping Bonnie off.<p>

Damon shrugs noncommittally over his glass of bourbon.

It didn't exactly take a rocket scientist to see that Bonnie was off. And the more he thought about it, why wouldn't she be? She had been trapped alone with him for months, then she had been trapped alone with a complete psychopath that did who the hell knows what to her, and then she had been trapped alone by herself after having the promise of returning home dangled in front of her only for it to suddenly be snatched away.

"It's just that she didn't really seem to want to talk to me…or being around me for that matter."

She sighs before flopping down on the couch next to Damon.

"I gave Caroline a call to let her know. I thought she could use some good news given everything that's happening with her mom. I should give Jeremy a call, too. Matt said he took it really hard when we didn't manage to bring her back last time, so…"

"Or maybe she could use some breathing space and a chance to go deal with everyone on her own terms," Damon replies. "She's obviously feeling disoriented right now."

He doesn't mention that he's sure it's much more, much worse than simply being 'disoriented.'

"I get that," Elena replies somewhat defensively. "I do. But we should be helping her through it. Maybe I should have just stayed with her anyway…I think I'll go back and check on her again later on tonight."

Silence.

She looks at Damon for a few moments before leaning over and pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

"I have no idea how you did it, but thank you for giving me my best friend back."

Typical Damon would have made some witty comment and then made a move on Elena. Instead, he continues to sit there silently with his bourbon.

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><p>She reads for a bit and then falls asleep.<p>

Then, she's woken up to someone jumping in her bed and reaching out of her.

With a loud shriek, she automatically begins fighting and thrashing.

"Bonnie, Bonnie! It's me, Caroline!"

Bonnie stops and sees that it really is Caroline after all. She had been so sure that she was waking up to find Kai attacking her again.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," Caroline says with a small frown. "It's just that Elena called and told me you were back, so I had to see you and when I saw you there, I just couldn't help myself." She envelops Bonnie tightly in her arms. "I've missed you so much."

Instead of hugging her back, Bonnie focuses on her breathing, trying to steady her racing heart.

"Hey, you're shaking." Caroline pulls away, concern clearly etched out on her pretty face. "Are you okay?"

Bonnie doesn't reply.

She just keeps trying to breathe.

Caroline catches her up on things Elena didn't tell her.

She tells Bonnie about how her mom has terminal brain cancer.

"I'm sorry," Bonnie says. It's a sincere condolence. Liz Forbes was a good person.

Parents were clearly never meant to last in this place.

Elena joins them later. Apparently she didn't feel so good about leaving Bonnie alone earlier.

Clearly, both Caroline and Elena know that Bonnie isn't right because they spend the night trying too hard to cheer her up.

They order in pizza and try to feed her amounts of massive chocolate. She has no appetite, but she forces herself to eat at least a little bit to appease them so they'd leave her alone. Her stomach almost rebels against her, making her feel like she might actually throw up.

Caroline pops in cheesy romantic comedies—the kind that Bonnie had loved watching back in what felt like an entirely different lifetime. None of it makes her laugh anymore, though.

She'd really rather just sleep, but she's afraid that she'll wake up and mistake one of them for Kai again.

It takes a lot of coercing to get them to leave. In fact, she has to flat out tell them that she'll sleep better with them not there.

They're clearly hurt by that, but leave with a promise to check up on her again tomorrow.

She curls up on the couch with her book and her blanket and reads until she falls asleep again.

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><p>She wakes up the next morning to non-stop doorbell ringing and simultaneous knocking. She thinks about ignoring it until they stop so that she can go back to sleep, but she gets the clear impression that whoever it is just won't go away. So, she forces herself to get p and answer the door.<p>

It's Jeremy.

"I—I almost didn't come here. I didn't want to believe Elena when she said you were back because I didn't want to be let down again."

That's not exactly the heartfelt welcome someone would expect from the man who says they're the love of his life.

She doesn't care, though.

She's suddenly enveloped in his arms, almost lifted off the ground.

"I've missed you so much," he tells her in between kisses. He's everywhere; his lips are on hers, on her cheeks, on her forehead.

She feels like she's choking on him.

"You have to let me breathe at some point," Bonnie murmurs.

"Are you okay?" He asks her, brushing a strand of hair out of her face.

_Are you okay?_

It's a question that has become a trap for her in less than twenty-four hours.

There's no way anyone could expect her to be okay after everything that's happened. Yet, if she says no, that she's not okay, everyone will wonder just what is wrong with her. She could practically hear them now: _"You're home now. Everything's going to be okay. So why aren't you happy? How can you not be happy now?"_

Instead of answering Jeremy she shrugs and replies, "I'm really tired."

She moves back to the couch without waiting for a response from him and beings to read.

Jeremy sits in a nearby armchair, looking like he wants to say something but is very much holding back.

She's sure this isn't going at all how he had imagined. He must have been expecting smiles, tears of happiness, declarations of undying love, long and swollen kisses.

Bonnie just doesn't have it in her.

It's so much easier to just stick her nose in a book and become enthralled with someone else's problems.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading and, as always, reviews are very much appreciated!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries nor am I making any profit from this. Characters, etc. all belong to their respective owners.**

**A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who's been reading, reviewing, etc.! I've truly enjoyed reading your thoughts on my fic and what you think of Bonnie's arc in the show.**

**Oh, and something I forgot to mention: the title for this fic comes from the song Shallows by Daughter. It's a really beautiful song (well, all their music is beautiful, actually).**

**I should also mention that I'm kinda just cherry-picking what things from canon I want to follow in this fanfic, too (i.e.: Like, how I totally am not going within 10 feet of the whole 'Kai has Elena' plot). I want to keep things as simple as possible plot-wise because this is a fic that mainly character driven more than plot driven and while Bamon will definitely have it's time to shine in this fic, it will first and foremost be about Bonnie and there will be more than enough complexity in her developments throughout this fic.**

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><p>"I'm mad at you," Jeremy says, suddenly breaking the silence.<p>

Apparently he finally worked up the nerve to say what exactly is on his mind.

"Yeah, I kinda figured that when Elena told me you spent these past months literally screwing around," Bonnie replies, not pulling herself away from her book. "I mean, I'm not angry or judging you or anything. I'm really not. You thought I was dead and never coming back, so it is what it is, I guess."

Unable to sit any longer he gets up, and stand closer to her, obviously trying to find any words.

"You—you knew you were dying the entire time and you hide it. You said goodbye over the phone."

She doesn't him for being angry about it. She would've been too if she were in his position. She just doesn't know exactly what he expects her to do about it, though. A sorry wouldn't exactly fix it.

"Will you say something or at least look at me?!"

She lets out an audible sigh, but dog ears the page she's on and sets it down on the coffee table.

"What do you expect me to say, Jeremy? A simple sorry obviously isn't going to fix it. I can't take any of it back or change what happened."

"I know that." He frustratedly runs a hand through his hair. "It's just that…" He suddenly stops himself. "You just got back. You obviously need time to adjust and think."

She's pretty sure that he's saying that more to himself than he is to her.

"We'll talk more later, okay?"

He presses a gentles kiss to her forehead before leaving.

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><p>"I think whatever is up with Bonnie is a lot worse than we thought," Caroline says to Elena over coffee that morning. "I startled her yesterday when she was sleeping and it was like she didn't even recognize me at first. She thought I was attacking her."<p>

"Well, she was stuck alone with Kai and he did hurt her…do you think she has some PTSD?" Elena asks with a frown.

"PTSD, depression…I can't even begin to imagine how horrible it was to be trapped there…"

"Well, she did just get back. She just needs to adjust and we'll just have to keep showing her how much we care. She'll be okay." Elena was really trying to reassure herself more than anyone else.

"But what if it's more than that? I mean, I don't think this is something that you just snap out of," Caroline replies, biting her lip worriedly.

"I don't know."

If there's one thing Caroline hates it's feeling helpless. Especially when watching her loved one suffer.

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><p>Bonnie receives a text from Damon later that afternoon.<p>

_I have your bear. Come and get her when you're ready._

She honestly hasn't given much thought about Ms. Cuddles. Not like she probably should have.

Part of her debates whether it's worth it to go get the teddy bear—to get her magic back. She thinks a few years ago, she would have been so much better off to have never had magic in the first place. But now…the thought of her magic being out there for anyone—for Kai—to snatch is terrifying.

Not that she doesn't have confidence in Damon to protect it. After all, she had sent it back to present day Mystic Falls trusting that he would be the one to find, knowing that he would be the one to understand what it meant.

But still, she knows she'd feel better about having it back, about having her magic back to protect herself.

She debates with herself some more and procrastinates for hours before she finally works up the nerve to go get Ms. Cuddles.

She's surprised to find her care sitting in the garage, the keys taped to the visor.

She keeps finding herself surprised to find her things are still around. She wonders if it's because her loved ones were unable to let go or if they just couldn't be bothered to go through her things and pack them up.

_That's not true, _she reminds herself. Her house and been clean and dust-free, so clearly someone had felt the need to upkeep her things for whatever reason.

When she gets to the old Salvatore boardinghouse, she stupidly stands there on the front porch. She doesn't really know what to do. Should she just enter? Should she knock?

Part of her almost decides to just turn around and flee, but before she can the door swings open, revealing Damon standing on the other side.

"Hey," she says lamely. "I got your text."

He nods and steps back, opening the door. "Come in."

He leaves her in the living room as he heads upstairs to grab the teddy bear, encouraging her to have a drink. She doesn't, though.

"Thanks for taking care of her for me," Bonnie says with a small smile, taking Ms. Cuddles from Damon.

"Of course."

She stands there awkwardly, not quite sure what else to say to him. When she looks at him, she can see that he feels the same way.

"Everyone…everyone is expecting things to go back to normal. And why shouldn't they? I mean, there's still the whole Kai problem, but I'm sure everyone expects me to be the one to just deal with it. And I will because I want him dead more than I want anything right now. But after being stuck in that hell with Kai and then on my own…" she takes a deep breath. "I'm not okay. I know that I'm not. And everybody knows it, but they want me to be okay and maybe one day I will be, but I don't know."

She hadn't meant to suddenly blurt all that out, but she thinks that if anyone would get it, Damon would. He had been trapped in that hellhole with her, too.

And he does get it. Every day he thought about what would have happened if he had been trapped there alone. Every single time Bonnie had stormed out on him, he had secretly feared that it would finally be the time she'd never come back and he would truly be alone.

And now that he looks at her…

He's seen her afraid before and he's seen her when she's sad, but even through those times she still had at least a little spark in her. It's what made her Bonnie.

Instead, she stands there nervously, picking at her cuticles and refusing to look at anything but the floor.

The thought that her spark had gone out—maybe for good—was upsetting.

Without really thinking about it, he reaches out and pulls her tightly into his arms.

It surprises her, but she allows it and even returns the hug.

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><p>"What are you two doing?" Damon asks Elena and Caroline later that night.<p>

They were both plastering Christmas decorations all over the boardinghouse. He's pretty sure that they must have both cracked because Christmas has been over for more than a week now.

"Well, since Bonnie missed Christmas, we figured we'd throw a Christmas part for her," Caroline explains. "When I first heard she was back, I'd been planning for a huge welcome back part, but we thought that this might be better."

"We know that Bonnie has been having a tough time of things," Elena adds. "We thought that something smaller with just our main group wouldn't have the pressure of a huge party, but would still let her know that we're happy she's back."

Damon has a feeling that this would either go surprisingly well or epically backfire.

He's learning more towards an epic backfire.

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><p>It feels good to have her magic back. It feels safe.<p>

At least she can better protect herself for when Kai inevitably comes back.

_You couldn't even protect yourself from him when you had your powers, _whispers a traitorous little voice in her head that she does her best to shove down.

She's now alone in her home again, unsure of what to do with herself. She aimlessly wanders around the house, looking at the pictures hanging up on the walls.

There's pictures of when she was a baby being held by her father or by Grams. Her as a toddler. Eighth grade graduation. High school graduation.

There's no pictures of Abbie anywhere. She never confirmed it, but she's pretty sure her dad had destroyed all but a few of them after she had abandoned them.

She vaguely wonders what her mother's up to these days. She hadn't heard from her in over a year. She wonders if anyone had even bothered to tell Abbie what had happened to her. She wonders if Abbie would even care.

She looks at a picture of her and Grams. It was the last one that they had taken together before Grams died.

She thinks about what Grams said to her all those years ago.

_You're stronger than all of this._

It's almost painful how wrong Grams was on that account.

She moves on, touching a shaky hand to a picture of her and her father taken at her high school graduation.

He had been missing through so much of her life and then she had finally gotten a glimmer of hope and a promise of a chance to have a _real _relationship with him, only for it to be robbed away from her.

The more she thinks about it, the more her mind swirls with all the hopes, dreams, possibilities, opportunities that have been brutally stolen from her over the years.

She's surprised to find her eyes prickling with unshed tears. After her breakdown on the Gilbert's front porch, she'd been so sure that she had no tears left in her to ever cry again.

She forces herself to choke these tears back down, though.

She's almost positive that if she lets herself start crying that she wouldn't stop for weeks, if ever.

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><p><strong>AN: I almost feel like I'm unfairly demonizing the Gilberts in this fic. I mean, I've got zero love for them, but I try to write them a little more fairly in my fanfiction because they get piss poor writing on the show (like everyone else), but I've found it impossible to have any sympathy for them at all this season.**

**Anywho, thanks for reading and, as always reviews are very much appreciated!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries nor am I making any profit from this. Characters, etc. all belong to their respective owners.**

**A/N: Thanks so much for all the reviews, favorites, etc.! I really appreciate it!**

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><p>"Good morning," Caroline says cheerfully the next morning, a box of donuts in her hands. Bonnie notices instantly that it's not the typical bubbly, cheerful Caroline. It's the 'maybe, just maybe if we keep smiling we won't notice we're crawling on broken glass' Caroline.<p>

When they sit down at the kitchen table, Caroline opens the box to reveal numerous bear claws. They had always been Bonnie's favorite. She doesn't really want one, but takes one anyway.

"I can't even begin to imagine how hard everything has been on you," Caroline begins.

Bonnie doesn't reply. Instead, she begins to pick apart the doughnut in front of her.

"Uh…me and Elena put together this Christmas/welcome back party for you tomorrow night at the Salvatore boardinghouse. It won't be that big…just our usual group."

It always amazed Bonnie how easily Caroline could push down her problems and everyone else's problems in favor of a good time.

She almost says no to Caroline and her party, but she hesitates. She's definitely not ready to just jump back in and move on, but maybe this could be a start.

_Or it could be the perfect disaster, _says a little voice in Bonnie's head.

"Okay," Bonnie says hesitantly, despite her inhibitions.

Caroline's nervous, but hopeful expression breaks into a wide smile.

"Great! I will be here tomorrow to do your and makeup. It's going to be so much fun! You'll see."

Bonnie gives her a small smile even though she's not so convinced.

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><p>"Definitely this one," Caroline says, pulling out a pretty, lacey forest-green dress that fell just above knees out of Bonnie's closet. Bonnie can't recall if she's ever even worn that dress.<p>

Elena had come over as well and was currently working on turning Bonnie's hair into loose waves. She hasn't bothered to get it cut in a while and it managed to just brush her shoulders now.

Caroline had skillfully applied a smoky look to Bonnie's eyes, making the earthy green of her eyes pop. A neutral color had been applied to her lips.

When it's time to leave and go to the party, Bonnie insists on driving herself so that she could go home early if she wants to.

Caroline and Elena don't find that encouraging in the least, but they let it go. They were relieved that Bonnie even agreed to come to the party in the first place.

Everybody's already there, waiting for her. They take their turns welcoming her back, but look at her like she's a ticking time bomb.

Jeremy remains silent, apparently still not too thrilled with their non-conversation the other morning.

"I never got a real chance to thank you," Stefan says with a small smile. "For saving my life, for bringing Damon back."

She quirks her lips up slightly and gives a small nod.

"Hey," Matt says when he comes up to her. "Sorry I didn't come to see you earlier. I can't even begin to tell you how much I've missed you."

She looks at Matt, the ever earnest All-American boy that was perfectly happy to provide support when needed, but never overstepped his bounds.

God, she's so happy to see him again.

"I've missed you so much," Bonnie tells him, wrapping her arms around him.

It's as if that somehow casts relief on the entire room because everything is noticeably less tense.

She stays mostly to herself, engaging in conversation when people occasionally talk to her.

At one point she sees Elena with a piece of mistletoe, holding it over Damon's head with a coy smile. Surprisingly, Damon doesn't quite take the bait, though. Instead, he presses a small, chaste kiss to her cheek, leaving a noticeably disappointed Elena in his wake.

Bonnie can't even begin to fathom what that one was about given that Damon could barely shut up about Elena when they were trapped in 1994.

"You could use this," Damon says to her, pressing a glass of bourbon into her hand.

She hates bourbon and Damon knows that, but she figures that if nothing else it'll take the edge off. So, she forces herself to take a sip and chokes back a cough.

She thinks about asking Damon what the whole thing with Elena was about. Instead, she asks him, "Why does Alaric look like he's going to stab you any second?"

"It's a _very _long story."

She gets the impression that it really isn't all that long of a story, but he just doesn't want to tell her for whatever reason. She doesn't care enough to press it, though, so she just shrugs it off.

"Caroline hasn't lost her touch when it comes to parties," Damon says. It's almost painful how he tries to make small conversation.

"Yeah, well, the world could be literally blowing up around us and Caroline would still be trying to dance it off."

"You're morbid tonight…whatever happened to having hope?"

It's like those words suddenly chopped down the dam on every emotion she's repressed over the past years.

"_Hope? _You want to talk to me about _hope?" _She spits out, her hand tightening on the glass. Damon's eyes widen as he realizes the big mistake he's made. "What the hell has _hope _ever gotten me?"

She must have been louder than she thought because the room suddenly goes dead silent and everyone's looking at her.

But she doesn't care.

"My entire family is _dead. _Minus my vampire mother—which thanks for that by that way, both of you," she snaps, gesturing at both Stefan and Damon, "—who couldn't care less about my existence."

She turns to everyone else. "I spent an entire summer _dead _and none of you even noticed. And, okay, yeah, I was the one who tried to hide it, but seriously none of you found any of it strange? It's not weird that I would suddenly take off with my _mother, _the mother who most of the time can't even be bothered to acknowledge my existence? It's not weird that I would respond to your texts, but never pick edup the phone when one of you called? Really?"

"And then," she continues, her voice rising in volume. "When I was brought back to life, I was forced to feel the worst pain imaginable over and over again. Enough to make me wonder if maybe I had been better off dead in the first place. And no one even acknowledged it or asked me if I was okay." Her voice cracks a little bit, but she doesn't stop. "And then I died again so I could bring you all back to life."

"I sent you back here because I didn't know what to do, so I did what I could," Bonnie says, turning back to Damon. "And I was happy that at least one of us got back, but…I was trapped alone with Kai for weeks. Can you even begin to imagine all the different ways he tortured me? And then you dangled this hope of having a chance to come home in front of me and then it got snatched away and I was left _alone."_

"And now I'm back, but for _what?" _Bonnie snaps as she turns to Caroline who was already crying. "So that you can continue to throw your stupid parties in an attempt to ignore how much life really sucks?"

She turns on Elena. "So that you can have someone to try and validate your _insane _co-dependence on anyone with the last name Salvatore?"

Jeremy's next. "So that you can have someone to blame for how broken your life is? Because, yeah, me calling you on the phone to tell you that I'm dying was fucked up. I know that, I do. But you trying to blame me for _your _bad choices—that's fucked up, too."

"But, really what does it matter in the end?" She says, looking around the room. "I mean, it's just Bonnie, right?"

Alaric and Tyler suddenly look incredibly uncomfortable and she doesn't even want to begin trying to discern what that's all about.

No one has anything to say in response to her entire tirade. Not that it would make a difference.

"So, no, Damon, I don't have any hope. It doesn't make a difference."

As she turns to leave, the tears she's been trying so hard to suppress since last night finally come out.

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><p>She ends up in the graveyard.<p>

She hadn't really intentionally gone there…she doesn't think. She had just gotten in her car and drove and this is where she ended up. So, she kicked off her high heels in the car and walked out into the graveyard.

There's a headstone there for her that her friends had put up.

_Bonnie Bennett_

_1992-2012_

_Beloved Friend_

As far as tombstones go, it's nice she supposes. It's made of smooth granite and its new enough that time hasn't worn it out or faded it at all.

"This is a bit morbid," Damon's voice says from behind her.

"Why'd you follow me?" Bonnie asks. She doesn't turn around to look at him, though. Instead, she keeps her eyes trained on the stone in front of her.

"The party got a bit boring after you left," Damon says dryly. "Why'd you come here of all places?" he asks her.

She shrugs before turning to look at him.

"It's not every day you get to stand on your own grave," she finally replies with a small shrug. She turns away from him again, moving to the tombstone next to hers. It was her father's.

"About what I said at the party…" Damon begins.

"Don't bother," Bonnie interrupts. "It doesn't matter. It was all going to come out sooner or later, I guess."

She continues to look at her father's headstone.

_Rudy Hopkins_

_1961-2011_

_Beloved Father_

She almost wants to laugh at the epitaph they had chosen for him. She had cared for her father and she greatly missed him, but he hadn't exactly been devoted or all the interested in being a father to her for a majority of her life. And now it wasn't like he'd ever get the chance to fix it.

She thinks back to the night before when she was looking at all those pictures in her house.

A small sound comes out of her. It's some mixture of a laugh and a choke.

"Bonnie…"

"Don't," she snaps, holding up a hand. She's visibly shaking as she tries to hold it all in. "It's fine. It's fine."

"Not it's not," he takes another step close.

"Will you just stop!" she snaps. The tears are flowing out of her again and she just desperately wishes that they wouldn't. "I can't stand it, okay? Everybody looks at me as if I'm either a ticking time bomb or as if there's something seriously wrong with me because I'm not ready to jump right back into the swing of things."

Damon stops and watches as she desperately fights with herself to get her emotions under control, refusing to let him see her face. He honestly has no idea what he's supposed to do or say.

"Well…what do you want?" He asks her.

Bonnie freezes up a bit. She honestly can't remember the last time someone's asked her that.

What did she want, though?

She could go back to school, 'give it the ole college try', and all that. Or she could even just leave town and try to start over, but where would she go? What would she do?

She turns back to Damon. She knows that she must look like a crazy person because she's standing barefoot in the middle of a cemetery in a party dress, the curls in her hair falling out, and she's sure that her makeup is streaked all over face.

"I don't know what I want," she replies.

And maybe deep down that's what actually scares her the most.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This chapter came more from wishful thinking that maybe, just maybe, one day Bonnie will finally get an awesome moment to call everyone out on their bullshit.**

**Thanks for reading and, as always, reviews are very much appreciated!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries nor am I making any profit from this. Characters, etc. all belong to their respective owners.**

**A/N: Thank so much to everyone who has been reading, reviewing, etc. I truly appreciate it!**

**Things get really intense in this chapter, so I just want to reiterate the TRIGGER WARNING I gave at the beginning of this fic: There will be talk of suicide and other sensitive topics, so please, please heed the warning I'm giving you if this is something you do not want to read!**

* * *

><p>For the first time in a long time, she wakes up in the morning and nobody's knocking on her door.<p>

It's actually a relief.

She lays in bed for most of the morning, staring at the ceiling, her mind a blank. Then, her phone starts ringing. Bonnie sees that it's Elena calling and she almost doesn't answer it, but she does.

"Kai is back in town," Elena says in a clipped voice.

Bonnie can tell that Elena is angry about what happened the night before, but she doesn't care. For the first time in her life, she can't find it in her to give a single damn about what Elena Gilbert thinks. It leaves her with the feeling of a huge weight being lifted off her chest.

"And let me guess: You want me to do something about it?"

"No, we actually have that covered. Jo thinks that she can beat Kai in the merge."

At first, Bonnie's totally confused as to what Elena is talking about, but she quickly remembers all that Elena had filled her in on when she'd first returned.

It's a dumb plan. Anyone with half a brain should have been able to recognize that. If Kai won the merge, then he would have Jo's power and become the new leader of the Gemini Coven. And they'd all be irrevocably screwed.

"So, how long have you been hiding it?"

"You're going to have to be a bit more specific," Bonnie replies.

"How long have you hated me?"

"Wait, what? Is that what you got out of everything I said last night?" Bonnie asks with a frown.

"Yeah, well, you made yourself pretty clear last night," Elena says. "So I'm just wondering how long you've felt that way."

"I don't hate you. I don't hate anyone. I don't have the energy for it." Pause. "Maybe you just need to get over yourself and realize that not everything's about you."

She hears Elena's angry inhale on the other line, but Bonnie stops her from saying anything.

"I've come back after spending _months _in some prison world and now I'm trying to figure out how to fit back into the real world and I'm always looking over my shoulder, wondering if the sociopath who spent weeks torturing me is coming back and now that he has…you're wondering if I hate you?"

Elena tries to say something again and Bonnie still doesn't give her the chance.

"I loved you. You were always family to me. More than most of my blood relatives were, even. And I gave you everything I had. And now I don't have anything left to give and…" The tears have started flowing freely again. It felt like all she does lately is cry. "How…how can someone I care about so much care so little for me?"

Bonnie doesn't wait for Elena to respond. Instead, she hangs up and throws her phone against the wall, not caring about the screen's glass shattering or the dent that it leaves in her wall. She then buries her head under her bed covers and goes back to hiding out from the world.

* * *

><p>No one tells her when the merge is taking place. Not that she's surprised by that. No one tells her anything unless they want something from her.<p>

It's not that hard to figure it out, though. The merge required a celestial event and once Bonnie found the soonest one, that took care of the _when. _As for the _where_…well, her magic has long since advanced beyond needing blood to locate someone.

When Bonnie arrives, everyone's already there, including Kai. Apparently the merge has turned into some macabre spectator sport.

Everyone's surprised to see her.

"Bonnie,"

When Bonnie arrives, everyone's already there, including Kai. Apparently the merge has turned into some macabre spectator sport.

Everyone's surprised to see her.

"Bonnie," Kai says with a wide grin as if he didn't stab her and leave her stranded the last time he saw her. "Honestly, I wasn't expecting to ever see you again. I can't say I'm not happy to be wrong, though. You were so much more fun and interesting to play with than the rest of these losers."

Every word he says makes Bonnie's stomach churn and for a moment, she thinks she might actually end up emptying the contents of her stomach then and there. She pushes back the bile that is rising in the back of her throat, though, and squares her shoulders, fixing Kai with a determined look. Her hands are jammed into the pocket of her jacket and she fingers the pocket knife in there.

"Well, I certainly didn't want to miss the opportunity to watch you die," Bonnie says with a grin that almost borders on maniacal.

"See," Kai says, stepping closer to Bonnie. "That's assuming dear Jo here actually survives the merge. And let's be real: She won't."

"The merge isn't happening and you are going to die tonight."

And with that, she makes her move.

She pulls Kai's knife from her pocket and lunges for his neck. The squish it makes is frighteningly satisfying to her and she doesn't even flinch when he blood begins to spurt out, splashing onto her.

Elena screams and she hears someone shouting, "No!", but she doesn't know who.

She pulls the knife out of Kai's neck and sinks it back in. She moves rapidly, stabbing him anywhere and as often as she can.

Part of her almost wants to laugh. For all his boasting, for how truly frightening Kai was, for him to be brought down by a little pocket knife—_his own pocket knife_…it was fucking _hilarious._

Suddenly, someone wraps their arms around her and easily pulls her off Kai's body.

"Let go of me!" Bonnie shrieks, struggling. "Let go!"

"Bonnie, Bonnie!" Damon says in her ear. He wraps his arms around her tighter in an attempt to stop her struggling. "It's over," he tells her. "He's dead."

She stops struggling and Damon loosens his grip. Everyone looks at her in horror. Bonnie takes one last look at Kai's lifeless body before she shrugs Damon's arms off her. Then, she begins to run.

Even when she begins to tire, she forces herself to keep running until she reaches home.

Her thoughts are an incoherent, jumbled mess and she doesn't know what to do with herself.

Kai was dead. _He was dead. _He couldn't hurt her or anyone else anymore.

She should feel happy, relieved, elated.

Yet, she still felt so _hollow._

Kai's death only fixes a small part of the problem.

It doesn't change the fact that her life is a total fucking mess. It doesn't erase the months of solitary confinement, the weeks of torture. It doesn't bring her father or Grams back to life.

She doesn't really think about it when she heads straight for her father's liquor cabinet and begins to rapidly down the bottle of whiskey. She relishes the burning feeling it leaves in her throat and in her belly.

The novelty of it soon wears off, though, and she lets the bottle drop to the floor, ignoring the broken glass.

She sees the pictures in her home and this time it's like they're mocking her. She begins pulling them off the walls. Little chunks of plaster come off with them and the glass frames shatter as they hit the floor. She moves through the house like a hurricane, trying to break anything she could get her hands on.

Then, before she really even thinks about it, she's standing in front of the kitchen sink, a knife pressed against her wrist.

Before, when she had been trapped in 1994, she'd thought about what would happen if she could actually die. Would she find peace? Would it just be oblivion, where she simply didn't exist at all anymore?

She couldn't deny that the idea of oblivion sounded the most appealing right now.

She looks that the shiny metal gleaming in the dark. The cold, hard blade is a sharp contrast to the thin, fragile skin of her wrist.

She thinks back to the book she's been reading, _The Bell Jar, _and the part where Esther tries to slit her own wrist. She could remember most of the words verbatim in her head:

_I thought it would be easy, seeing the redness flower from my wrists…But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at._

She gets it.

Oh, God, does she get it.

She could rip into herself, break herself down bit by bit and still not get to the worst, most damaged parts of herself.

"Are you going to do it?" Damon asks her.

"How'd you get in?" she replies, not moving. "You've never been invited in."

"You died twice. It kinda negates the whole invitation thing. You still haven't answered by question," he says, not missing a beat. _"Are you going to do it?"_

"I don't know," she whispers. She still hasn't moved. "Maybe."

Despite her words, the knife suddenly drops from her hands, clattering loudly in the sink. She clutches the edge of the sink so hard, her fingers turn white.

"I don't want to keep living like this."

"Kai's gone." She can hear him moving closer to her. "He can't hurt you anymore."

"It's not that. It doesn't really fix anything. I don't feel better. What's the point in any of it?"

Damon honestly doesn't know what to tell her. He's done the whole existential crisis thing more times than he could count and the only think he's learned is that there really isn't an answer. Telling her that wouldn't solve anything, though. It would just make things worse.

"Come on," he says, switching the subject. "Let's get you cleaned up. Trust me, the longer you let blood dry on you, the more of a bitch it is to get out."

Okay, so that's not helpful at all, either.

To his surprise, she lets him lead her upstairs into bathroom. He starts the shower and then stands there, unsure.

Under normal circumstances, he would have been grinning and making some cheeky comment about potentially getting to see her naked. Instead, he awkwardly clears his throat and tells her that he'll be standing outside to give her some privacy.

Bonnie watches his retreating back. Once the door is closed, she sits down on the closed lid of the toilet. Eventually, she gets the energy to start pulling off her blood-stained clothes.

When she steps into the shower, she can't even find the energy to stand up. So, instead, she curls herself into a ball on the floor and lets the water rain down on her.

She doesn't know how long she lays there, but it's long enough that the water turns cold and her skin begins to prune.

Bonnie hears the bathroom door open and she assumes that it's Damon checking to make sure that she's actually still alive.

"Bonnie," Caroline says, pulling back the curtain and shutting the water off. "C'mon, you can't stay in there. It's too cold now." The blonde helps her out.

She hands Bonnie her favorite pair of pajamas to change into. She then begins to blow dry Bonnie's hair, meticulously making sure that there were no snags or tangles.

"I said some horrible things to you," Bonnie says softly.

"Well, considering all that horrible things that have ever been said to me, what you said doesn't really rank."

"It still hurt you, though."

"Yeah," Caroline says quietly. "It did."

"And you're still here anyway?" She didn't exactly mean for it to come out as a question, but it did.

"Of course I am," Caroline says, looking down at Bonnie. "You're my best friend and I love you. And I know you're not okay right now and it scares the hell out of me that I don't know how to help you, but, still, I want to."

"All I do is cry anymore," Bonnie says, trying to furiously wipe away the tears.

"Because sometimes we all need a good cry. Or several good cries."

Bonnie begins to sob and Caroline hangs onto her tightly.

* * *

><p>He sits in the hallway outside her room, listening to her breathing, to the gentle <em>thump <em>of her heart.

He could have left a long time ago. Caroline would stay the night with Bonnie, so there's really no need to be here.

He hadn't told Caroline what Bonnie had been almost ready to do, but seeing the destruction Bonnie had wrought upon her own house was enough to make Caroline even more concerned.

Back when they had been stuck together in 1994, he'd sometimes check on her at night. He'd never admit it, but a part of him had always been afraid that she'd disappear or that, every single time she had walked away from him, she wouldn't come back and then he would have been truly alone.

Then, when he had been sent back and she was still stuck there, he had been desperate to get her back. And it wasn't just because of guilt like Alaric claimed. Because, yeah, he did feel plenty of guilt, but…she was the only reason he was still alive.

Despite being trapped with seemingly no way out, she had remained optimistic and hopeful. She would argue with him, make fun of him, play board games and video games with him for hours. She would even do silly little things like make fake newscasts when she found an old camcorder.

And to see that insanely optimistic girl feeling so lost and hopeless…it hit something inside of him, something that he can't quite describe.

So he sits there and continues to listen to the sounds of her breathing and to the beat of her heart.

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><p><strong>AN: So, this chapter was by far the most difficult for me to write. However, it is a major turning point in this fic.**

**As you've probably noticed, I've been getting a lot of inspiration from Sylvia Plath's **_**The Bell Jar. **_**It's an extremely difficult read because of the heavy subject matter, but it's beautiful and tragic and it's one of those books that will haunt you and really make you think.**

**Thanks so much for reading and, as always, reviews are very much appreciated!**


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